Joe King Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 Went to Switzerland for a vacation. It was kind of Blah. But I gotta say I thought their flag was a big Plus. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe King Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 When I got home from work my wife asked me if I want to play house. She said she would be the door and I could slam her all night. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rip The Mesh Posted May 18 Share Posted May 18 Top Gun; Which ones Maverick? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rip The Mesh Posted May 18 Share Posted May 18 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Heretic Posted May 19 Author Popular Post Share Posted May 19 Secrets to Inner Peace If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then You Are Probably The Family Dog! And you thought I was going to get all spiritual .... Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, Piss on it and walk away 1 2 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Master Mind Posted May 20 Popular Post Share Posted May 20 I signed up for a dating app for arsonists. I've been sent a lot of matches. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 The guy who created spell check passed away. May he rust in pee. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 I’m schizophrenic and so am I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 Why do good looking guys masturbate more than ugly ones? Because they’re handsome. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe King Posted May 31 Share Posted May 31 A bunch of older guys (friends) were planning about what to get their friend Paul (who was not with the group) for his 80th birthday. One of the fellas mentioned that Paul's wife had passed several years earlier and Paul has been alone all these years. One of the fellas thought it would be a good idea to hire an escort for him. They agreed it was great idea. When meeting the lady before sending her to Paul's they suggested to go all out and give Paul what ever he wants. When she arrived at Paul's and he answered the door. She said to him "Paul how would you like some super sex" He answered I think I'll take the soup. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe King Posted May 31 Share Posted May 31 Who loves you more your wife or your dog. Here is the way to find out. Lock them both into the trunk of your car. After an hour or two open the trunk and see which one of them is happy just to see you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe King Posted June 3 Share Posted June 3 The money you spend on food is just flushed down the toilet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted June 7 Author Share Posted June 7 The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good.” Now Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth ’?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.” "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country ’?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.” The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do. ” At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.” The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that ?” Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.” Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!” Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!” Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!” Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.” The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed! Little Akio said quietly, "Canadians; if Trudeau gets elected again as PM”. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted June 20 Author Share Posted June 20 A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!” A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand-new planes, but it was over-booked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!” “Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down, he spoke to me.” “What did he say?” “He said, ‘Where’d you get the shitty haircut’?” 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe King Posted June 25 Share Posted June 25 Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years, the white dry erase board is probably the most remarkable. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted July 1 Author Share Posted July 1 ( ONE CAN DO ANYTHING WITH STATISTICS ) Doctors: (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171 Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services. Now think about this: (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million) (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188 Statistics courtesy of FBI So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.' FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than by a gun owner !!! Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand !!!!! Out of concern for the public at large, the statistics on Lawyers were withheld for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted July 4 Share Posted July 4 I saw a chameleon today. It wasn’t a very good one. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted July 7 Share Posted July 7 I was talking to my Russian friend about music. I told him when he immigrated here, my favourite song at that time was Gangsta’s Paradise by Coolio. So, I then asked him what his favourite song back was in Russia around the time he immigrated here. He forgot the name of the song and artist, so I asked him if he remembered any of the lyrics, so I could maybe guess what it was. He replied “Vladislav, baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me…no more.” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnkNuk Posted July 7 Share Posted July 7 (edited) Edited July 7 by UnkNuk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 I know, a "sensitive" topic, still this is funny: TO WHOM DOES THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONG?? An Israeli sense of humour at United Nations set the record straight. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began:'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!" Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them! The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then." The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 Elon Musk’s real first name is Noel, but he’s dyslexic. Noel Gallagher is also dyslexic, so his real first name is Elon. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 I wish radical feminism was ancient herstory. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rip The Mesh Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 Probably is was no joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilbur Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 How do you get 50 Canadians out of a pool? Go up to the side of the pool and call "Okay everyone, time to get out of the pool!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 I finally made a library joke. It was long overdue. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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