gwarrior Posted July 29 Share Posted July 29 The hard of hearing dry cleaner: A woman walks into a dry cleaner and asks "can you clean this stain?" The dry cleaner says "what?" She repeats "can you clean this stain?" He responds "what?" She tries one more time "CAN YOU CLEAN THIS STAIN?!!" he responds "come again?" She says "no, mustard this time". 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 The police finally caught the donut thief. He was just taken into custardy. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted July 31 Author Share Posted July 31 When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking again for a girl with big boobs!!! 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophomore Jinx Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 The Rabbi is a very busy man, earning a little side income doing circumcisions....he makes 100 skins a week, and keeps all of the tips 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 Bono and The Edge walk into a bar and the bartender says “Not U2 again!” 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe King Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 What did the horse say when he tripped and fell ? Help me I've fallen and can't giddy up. R.I.P. boiling water You will be mist. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 What do you get when you put vodka in your tea? Earl Grey Goose. 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie). So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked:” How many children do you have?" He answered: "Twelve." The agent asked, "Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother." MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one has only to choose the right words. Don't forget - most politicians are lawyers....! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 I had a dream that hundreds of gallons of soda was dumped into the ocean. It seemed real, but it was only a Fanta sea. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted August 17 Share Posted August 17 Last time I did shrooms I blew up in size and punched through bricks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kragar Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 I just heard that Colgate-Palmolive is moving their manufacturing facilities for a large toiletry brand to the country of Oman. Sounded like a strange move to me, but then it clicked... It's byyyyyyyy Yemen. Next up... how many old farts does it take to get a joke? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 How did the blonde try to solve the world’s hunger problem? By relocating Chile and Turkey next to Hungary. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted August 27 Author Share Posted August 27 The Wedding Ceremony came to that awkward moment when the priest asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly toward the priest. The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop. The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued as the bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation. The priest asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church as the woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back." And that my friend illustrates what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rip The Mesh Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 for lack of a better place to put this; Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted September 4 Share Posted September 4 I had dinner at the Transformers theme restaurant the other night. Both the service and food were top notch. I highly recommend the Optimus Prime Rib. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 The heat degraded me. I had never felt so humidiated in my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rip The Mesh Posted September 7 Share Posted September 7 never goes the way it's planned. So don't do it. Simple stuff, yah think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted October 1 Share Posted October 1 Why did Diddy have so many dildos? He’s a whoreder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted October 1 Share Posted October 1 What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? I don’t know how to make an enzyme. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Optimist Prime Posted October 1 Share Posted October 1 How did the hipster burn his tongue? Spoiler Drank his coffee BEFORE it was cool 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RupertKBD Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 Guy from Alaska bring his snowmobile into the shop. Mechanic checks it over and says, "Looks like you blew a seal" Guy says, "No, that's just frost in my mustache" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RupertKBD Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 (edited) Two Irishmen are stranded at sea in a dinghy....one day they see a bottle floating beside the boat so they grab it and pop the cork...A puff of smoke comes out and they see a huge Genie who says he will grant them one wish. Without thinking, one of the boys says, "I wish this entire ocean was Guinness!" The Genie claps his hands, there is a loud crack and when the boys open their eyes, the Genie is gone and as far as the eye can see, Guinness surrounds them..... One of the boys looks at the other in disgust and says, "Nice going Finn! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!" Edited October 3 by RupertKBD 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 RIP boiling water. You will be mist. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted Wednesday at 04:14 PM Author Share Posted Wednesday at 04:14 PM A couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors" special was 2 eggs, bacon, hash browns a toast for $2.99 "Sounds good" the wife said "but I don't want the eggs..." "Then, I will have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering A La Carte", the waiter warned her. "You mean I have to pay extra for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously. "Yes" stated the waiter. "Fine, I'll take the special then" the wife said. "Great, how do you want your eggs?" the waiter asked. "Raw and in the shell" the wife replied. She took the eggs home and baked a cake. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS! They have been around the block more than once! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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